Heeee's OUT (of Cleveland)

C.C. is long gone fellas. Thanks to the absurdity of MLB's financial situation, the rich keep getting richer and the middle to small market teams are glorified farm clubs.

http://blog.cleveland.com/sports/2008/01/cleveland_indians_sabathia_cou.html

Fuck You Fellow Bloggers

I considered spending 15 minutes of my day crafting the perfect response to Don and Z's poetic and perverse depiction of my life as a chubby chasing sex addict who, judging by the picture provided, has very little shame and no problem with female facial hair.
Being short on time however, I have opted for the simpler solution of unleashing the Bonzai Buddy on this blog site. By the time you read this, your computer will have been subjected to a virus that makes HIV look like the common cold. Don't worry though, if you act fast this link just might save you.

www.pchell.com/support/bonzibuddy.shtml. (I wouldn't count on it though...that is one bad fucking monkey.)

Have a nice day.

Letting the cat out of the bag

Sorry, Carpenter, but this has to be done. You are a father. You have a lovely wife (a MILF if I may say so myself). A homeowner. A hardworker. You're living the American Dream.

I saw Z’s comment in the previous post regarding Saturday afternoons with your mistress behind the dumpsters at Buehlers. IT HAS TO STOP. Think about your offspring! Think about your wife! It's not worth it man!

Look, we're all men here. All of us understand what it's like to be in a serious relationship then head out into the public and encounter all these beautiful women you'll never see naked. It can be disheartening at times, no doubt.

We understand how this could happen. Wandering around Buehlers on a slow, Saturday afternoon. With the kid and other commitments at home, out of site out of mind, you start thinking about how it’s been a while since Little Carpenter was paid attention to. You come across this woman, a beautiful vision, near the meat counter. A conversation begins and one thing leads to another. Next thing you know, the two of you are behind those dumpsters going at it like alley rats.

It felt good at the time but the guilt is unbearable. Still, you return every Saturday for the same fast, furious three minutes of passion.

Yet all of us here at Coming Up Milhouse agree this needs to end. I’ve visited your mistress the other day at her home we had a long, heart-to-heart talk. She understands. Before I left her place, I snapped a picture for all of us to remember her by, especially you Carpenter. We all make mistakes, we won’t hold this against you. Down deep, you are a decent, loving and caring guy.

Anyway, for the final time, cast your gaze upon her:

Questions/Concerns

First of all, hello to all involved in this wonderful "blog." This being my first entry into a "blog," I do have the following questions and concerns. I would appreciate any input from the panel, at which point I may feel more comfortable to participate.
1. Not being a fan of the Simpsons, what the fuck does it mean to be "Coming up Milhouse?" I would like to understand what I am signing up for.
2. There are some truly gifted writers currently participating, with that said I feel that this could be an educational experience. Given the aforementioned education, if/when I read/write on this blog during working hours would it be constituted as a legit "continuing education activity?"
3. Is there any possibility that we could garner the services of the "real life Peter Griffin" to endorse this site.....it could go a long way making this blog a pop culture phenomenon. The next Facebook anyone?
4. Can the members of this blog ever be held accountable for those actions taken on this blog?

Just some intial concerns, once I feel more comfortable with the parameters I think that I may be able to offer some positive contributions. Thank you for your help.

The Real Life Peter Griffin

For all you wanna be frat kids...

This is an oldie, but a goodie:

Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I'm coming home with some pussy tonight! That's right! It's been a long week at the office and it's time to blow off a little steam! I am a Junior Vice President! I have business cards that say "Junior Vice President" on them! They're glossy and magnificent! Here! Have one! Take it!

My boys are coming out with me tonight! They all have striped shirts too!

I figure we'll kick off the night with some Golden Tee! I am going to smack the shit out of that little white ball! It's going to be so fucking loud! I'll bet I can drive that pretend golf ball 600 fucking yards tonight! I'm that fucking pumped!

I can almost taste those Jager Bombs right now! I fucking love Red Bull! I put it on my God damned cereal! I'm crushing one right now!

I'm thinking about buying a boat this year!

I'm gonna fight someone tonight! I pray to God someone makes eye contact with me! I will beat his ass! And God help him if he gets any blood on my striped shirt! If he does, I'll scrub it out with his dick and some bleach! I mean it!

I'm gonna grind on girls asses tonight! You heard me! When I see a group of girls dancing in a circle, I will select the most attractive one and dry hump her until it hurts! I will rub my cock against her so that she can feel my throbbing hard on!

I will valet tonight!

I will treat the valet with contempt and make sure that he knows that I am superior to him in life! I will tell him to "Take it easy on the brakes, Champ"!

I will talk to people I don't know about my job tonight! They will all know that I am an important man! I will call female bartenders "Babe" and male bartenders "Chief"!

When I do not hook up with a girl at that club, I will say that the place is "full of skanks"! We will wait in a long line to go to another bar only to strike out again!

I will give up and decide to order a gyro off of a street vendor! I will make fun of him to my friends for being foreign! I will look ridiculous purchasing my gyro because people will be able to tell by my striped shirt and tinted sunglasses that I struck out and am settling for a gyro!

I will make one last attempt to hook up by trying to coax two big girls who are also ordering gyros to coming back to my place for "after hours"! When they say no I will make fun of them for being fat! I will leave!

When I get home I will go to the bathroom and hold the straight razor to my wrist again! I will gently drag the razor laterally against my vein, making sure not to actually cut myself!

I will then go to my room and pass out! I will need some shut eye so that I'll be ready to fucking party again tomorrow!

Scot Pollard and Stephen Jackson golfing

Yes, this video is just as good as that title. From Scot Pollard talking about "waking up and drinking a few beers" to Stephen Jackson golfing, it doesn't get any better.

http://www.indycornrows.com/story/2008/1/26/114424/561

Led Zeppelin's World Tour Looks Promising

Jimmy Page (who looks like hell) says he's hoping they get on the road in September.

Sure he killed two people, but...

You gotta hand it to this cat and his fashion style.

http://www.mcall.com/news/local/all-5murder.6246214jan26,0,6530536.story

How are you supposed to get a hand job in this?

So, this seems like a good idea. But isn't the only reason anyone camps is to get laid? This thing totally hinders that whole process, but, it does prevent any broke back action.

Selk Bag

No punchline, just laughing at someone else's misfortune

Love Connection: Worst Name Ever - Watch more free videos

Reason why we are not going to a Russian Casino anytime soon

Russian Cops Ask Questions Later - Watch more free videos

Basically these guys were suspected of cheating...not interrogation just swift Russian justice

A Quick Poll

What is the best sport to watch in HD?

• Basketball
• Football
• Golf
• Baseball
• Outdoor Hockey
  

This picture is begging for a caption. Anyone??

In other news, excessive eating makes you fat.

From the "No Shit" file, two nonprofit journalism organizations found that President Bush and top administration officials issued hundreds of false statements about the national security threat from Iraq in the two years following the 2001 terrorist attacks.

Click here to read the AP story.

Hot Girl Friday

Enjoy fellas, this is the last of Jessica Alba before child birth blows it out. The girl genius decided it was a good idea to get pregnant in the prime of her career. I mean, did she think she was getting lead roles because of her great acting ability? There is a reason the great Julia Roberts waited until she was 37 to have a child. About 10 movies after Julia was getting $20 million a film she decided it was a good time to start a family, and buy South France if she wants.

Who is your sports man crush?

Between Dutt's first post and the follow up from Rusty, it has been quite a full day here at Milhouse's...

I came across this at www.joesportsfan.com. It's a blog based out of St. Louis so this list is a little skewed, but has some good names on there as far as sports man crushes.

It was funny I came across this because on the way home from work tonight, WTAM had Joe Thomas on and I was thinking, damn, I felt the same giddiness I had with JT that I did when I was 11 and wearing a Bernie Kosar jersey. What's depressing is that I'm 27 fucking years old.

Anyway, here's the posting:

http://www.joesportsfan.com/column.php?storyid=1335

Scissor me Timbers!!

I wonder if Angela keeps her shirt on when she is scissoring the shit out of her new girlfriend.

Ok Gentlemen

Hello all. I am going to welcome myself to this wonderful blog which will most likely cause me to get nothing done at work (who's kidding, I don't do shit anyway). I would like to start with a few posts that are not sports related, because this is my dead time in Cleveland. I am eagerly awaiting spring training and the Indians (I am going this year), and I am still sulking about the Browns, as all of us are I am sure. Although I enjoy watching the Cavs, it is more of a "hey they are on t.v and there is nothing else on" kind of thing. Their games are a circus, their team is o.k at best, but I force myself to watch because of Lebron. Ok, on to the non-sports conversation:

1. Z, can it really be true that Lost is only one week away? For any of you who don't watch that show I would recommend renting seasons 1-3 and doing nothing but watching them for the next week before the premiere of season 4. Never in the history of t.v. has there been a more developed show in terms of plotlines, character development and just overall badassness. One week gentlemen.

2. In case you all haven't heard, it is official...............................Angela Formaz is a lesbian. I got confirmation from a reliable source who puts her and her "friend" at a wedding. Her friend is a little beefy and supposedly can outlift all of us. The word is that she doesn't want anyone from Wadsworth to know, because she hasn't broken the word to her parents. In retrospect I am sure we could all see this coming, I mean lets look at the details.
a. She didn't want to constantly ride the tuna can in college.
b. She dated a large black man who could wrap his hands around anyone of our necks, who played nose tackle, but was majoring in "interior design."
c. She did have "sweet genes"
d. Just look at her mom
e. and finally, she was and is in athletic training
Kudos to Ken for getting in, while the getting was good, or maybe he was just responsible for helping her to make the switch, who knows.

3. In my sports related part, congrats to the Indians for signing Betancourt, this means that "the court is in session" gets to be played at the Jake....I mean the Prog, or is it Pro......for at least another two years.

Peace Gentlemen, I am out.

Cleveland fans vs. Buffalo fans, who has suffered more?

This blog breakes it down. Click here to see the results.

WARNING: May produce upsetting memories.

Absurdity that is college football

A Columbus Dispatch columnist put it quite well in today's paper. He presents some of the biggest reasons as to why I can't get excited about college football.

Click here

Tennis, anyone?

Below is Tamira Paszek. She is a 17-year old professional tennis player. She participated in the Australian Open and lost in the first round to Jelena Jankovic 2-6, 6-2, 12-10 in an opening-day match. Of course none of that matters. In the words of Krusty the Clown, "Look at those magumbos!"

Who Wants It More?

That sure is a dumb tag line for the Super Bowl. One more football game to go this season. Of course, the Browns 10-6 run was by far the highlight. This Super Bowl in 13 days? Not so much. Here are a few of my favorite things from the 2007 NFL season:

1. Horseballs.
2. Brett Farve returning to glory and making Dutt's Ahman Green jersey that much better.
3. Browns 8, Bills 0
4. My first season with high definition.
5. The Steelers backing into the postseason and getting knocked out in the Wild Card round.
6. Baltimore not only having a shitting year but being the only team to lose to Miami.
7. Chargers new jerseys and helmets.
8. Redskins making the playoffs after Sean Taylor's death.
9. Charlie Frye in a Seahawks uniform.
10. Did you hear the Browns went 10-6?

My Friday Night.......

Party Details


Hosted by: BLAQ Fridays Staff

Door Charge: $10.00

Guestlist Charge: $20.00

Patron's Age:21 and Over (Ladies) / 21 and Over (Guys)

Dress Code: Chic

DJ/MC: DJ STATIK

Music: Hip Hop, R&B, Reggae

Description:JACK DANIELS presents THE ALL NEW BLAQ FRIDAY EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT AT THE IDENTITY BAR feat. BLACK LABEL KARAOKE LOUNGE 6PM - 9PM HOSTED BY BLAQ BARBIE & JAMES BONAMY HOUSTON'S ONLY BLAQ KARAOKE HAPPY HOUR - COMPLIMENTARY VALET - $5 JACK & COKE - $3 WELLS BLAQ AFTER PARTY 9PM - 2AM FEAT. DESERT STORM'S DJ STATIK SPINNING HIP HOP.R&B.REGGAE BOOK YOUR FREE HAPPY HOUR OFFICE PARTY TODAY. 713.256.2793

Tressel needs to pull out the check book

So how much do you think Tressel has to float this kid for him to be our QB next year. Not only is he fast, but he has a cannon

Female Friday

Anyone up for starting a Friday tradition of posting a hot chick? Perhaps it'll start the weekend off on the right note? I'll start. In honor of the blog creator I present... Liv Tyler.

So I Googled myself today.

I clicked on the very first link and it sent me to this picture. I have no idea what's going on here. Any ideas on a caption?

Stay Classy, LSU...

I think these were the people Roach and Blind met in New Orleans:

The Legend of Horse Balls - A refresher

In celebration of the Browns' most triumphant of seasons, let us refresh ourselves with our Savior (before he gets traded - sorry, Ken) and his backstory.

• Derek "Horse Balls" Anderson was born in a Scappoose, Oregon in 1983.

• His father was a world-champion log-roller. His mother was a sassy waitress at a greasy spoon. Derek was conceived in a wheelbarrow.

• Derek's mother gave birth to him while sliding down a log flume. The afterbirth was fed to a baby ox.

• Derek spent a lot of time as a child at his father's lumber operation, twice a week fulfilling the duty of "barrel boy".

• One day while in the barrel, a group of lumberjacks thought it would be a fun prank to stick a horse's penis in the barrel. So they did. When Derek encountered the horse's penis, he yelled from the barrel, "Men, if you're gonna stick a horse's cock in here, you may as well give me the balls as well." From there on, he was given the name "Horse Balls," and he never spent another day in the barrel again.

• He has been show-jumping buffalo since age 5.• Derek was not known as an overly impressive athlete at Scappoose High School. He wasn't the cocky sort. Nor was he prone to acts of bravado. He wasn't even the strongest kid on the team. But what set Derek apart from all the others was his incredible unflappability. Nothing ever seemed to bother him. Ever.

• Not even when his team was losing by 50 points (which it often was).

• Not even during the traditional Scappoose High "Broken Plunger" hazing rituals his freshman year.

• Not even when he clicked on the Lemon Party website by accident.

• Not even when his father chained him to a desk in a drunken rage and attacked his mother, who then shot him dead with the family revolver.

• Teammates dislike playing practical jokes on Derek, because he does not exhibit any visual reaction to things like poop, fireworks, gunshots or cock slaps.

• Nothing has ever fazed Derek Anderson. Some doctors have said that Derek has Asperger's Syndrome. But I prefer to think of him as the perfect savior for the Browns: quiet, modest, hardworking, and disturbingly poised.

• Derek is the only player on the Browns that likes Kellen Winslow.

• Liz Phair used Derek as her inspiration for the song "Supernova." Derek's penis is average-sized, but he does indeed "fuck like a volcano." And if anyone knows a thing or about getting hollowed out, it's Liz Phair.

Good Stuff

I'm in Z. Good idea. Let me begin my blog career talking about the OSU game in New Orleans. LSU and their fans can go back to whatever swamp they came out of. Damn, that sucked. Blinder and I were relentlessly hounded by drunk LSU fans and had no comeback....truly disgusting. Ever seen "The Waterboy"..... their fans were like that. But hey, they had to be somewhat rich if they were at the game.

Let me tell you what- New Orleans could be more lawless than Las Vegas.

And so it begins...

I've scoured the Internets trying to find the photo of Milhouse wearing his flood pants since that scene is the inspiration for this here blog. No dice. The best I could do is Milhouse doing an impression of the creator of this here blog, The Z-Child.

I'm hoping this catches on even if it's a better way to discuss things like the Browns, Indians and Cavs in a more exciting forum than e-mail.

Perhaps we can share photos of things going on in our life. Hubie I'm looking at you and more importantly action shots of your girlfriend and her teammates on the Kent State cheerleading squad. But an action shot of Len Matela posting up a foreign dude would work as well.

Maybe it's a quick bitch or two about the women in our lives or doing grown-ass man things like paying the mortgage.

Anyway, I hope to visit here often and keep in touch.

Something that should have been done long ago......

Possibly being bored at work.......well, definetly being bored at work and the fact that I have been pushing this to John for quite a while is the reason for this. I figured since we are all spread out and we all have somewhat amusing things to say this would be a good forum. Anything from random thoughts to pictures of Zach putting an iron on his chest will all be within limits. Typical banter about the Browns, Bucks, Cavs, Tribe, or Hubie's love interest with a 7 foot Dutch basketball player from Chicago will all be welcome. I encourage everyone to post when they have been drinking. Let's see what happens