CHARGE!!!

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

What a jackass....

Hello and welcome to Tee-pee Talk!

Ah, Harry Doyle... one of the greats. Well, conjure up your favorite "Major League" sound bite because today is Opening Day 2008! Soon, I will be making a trip to Progressive Field to root on the Cleveland Indians.

Baseball is boring. I'm not going to doubt that. Yet, Opening Day is exciting for a few reasons. It signals the end of winter. The weather may still be somewhat shitty out, but since there is baseball being played in downtown Cleveland, we know that shitty weather is soon to be long gone.

Panini's. Great sandwich and damn, does it go good with a beer and surrounded by 40,000 Tribe fans.

Excuse to drink beer on a Monday afternoon. Why not?

Slider. What the hell is that thing? Will this be the year we figure it out?

One win away from the World Series and for all intents and purposes, the Indians' first championship since 1948. Yeah, I'm still bitter from that damn loss, but today marks the first day I can begin to get over that and set myself up for some sort of disappointment in 2008.

Ahh, weekend. Welcome!

In less than two hours, I'll be headed north to Cleveland, Ohio to spend an extended weekend. Contrary to what some people will have you believe -- RUSTY -- I enjoy spending time in Cleveland.

The weekend culminates with a trip to Progressive Field on Monday for a rainy home opener for you beloved Cleveland Indians. (Remember when those fuckers were up 3-1 in the 2007 ALCS?)

Anyhow, I'm ready to start the celebratory weekend with a beer. Perhaps this kid will join me in a frothy brew?

Happy Nightmares

So someone went to the trouble of uncartooning Homer Simpson, just to see what he would look like in real life. Have fun trying to the have this in your thoughts while you sleep....

Hot Girl Friday -- March 28, 2008

In talking with Z today, we discussed how fucked our brackets are for the NCAA Men's Tournament (we're still doing pretty good with the ladies' tourney). Z went on for a good five minutes on why he picked Duke. It was well thought out and solid reasoning, but where did it get him? Duke lost in the second round.

Meanwhile, from the giddy-up I chose UCLA. Does this comes from my vast knowledge of college basketball? Fuck no. I hadn't watch five minutes of college basketball this season and only half-paid attention to highlights on SportsCenter. I'll take the NBA any day, but that's for another discussion.

Currently, UCLA is leading in the first half against Western Kentucky. If the Bruins can win, they are one win away from the Final Four and ever closer to my prediction of a national championship.

So how did I arrive at that pick? Was it an intelligent breakdown of their team against the NCAA field, ala Z? Nope. They have, hands down, the hottest cheerleaders in the hottest outfits, so they got my pick.

The Vagina Monoblog

Today while attempting to log on for my daily dose of Coming Up Milhouse the internet gods decided to throw me for a loop and redirect me to another blogspot webpage. This particular blog was entitled The B List and was apparently created by a vagina loving man hater who thought it necessary to create a blog dedicated to all things estrogen. While this was no pleasant experience, it has lead me to develop what I feel would be a great addition to our blog. Based on my ever growing cynicism and hatred of the human race, I would like all of us to find other blogs out there that are as disturbingly hilarious as The B List and exploit them for their shortcomings. To provide you Fodder for your hatred based criticisms, here is a picture from The B list that only Angela Formaz could love.

From the file: "I Wish I Would Have Though Of That"

A bar in Atlanta has beer taps at your table. Ready for a fresh draught beer? Reach toward the middle of your table and let it flow. Everyone at the table has "house beer."

I'm thinking we need to head to Atlanta just to go to this bar and try it out. What a simple, yet amazing idea.

Once this catches on, and it will, the inventor needs to be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize in boozing. No longer do we have to deal with waiting for the waitress to stop flirting with some douche bag at another table to come over and fill my empty beer glass. Said glass has been sitting without the delicious nectar of the gods for over 10 minutes. Now, I can do it myself and the waitress can return to setting herself up for disappointment with the douche bag du jour.

Video here.

Baseball begins... March 25... in Japan?!?!

As I awoke this fine morning to greet the day, I turned on the television to see “MLB Baseball” on ESPN2. Interested, I clicked select and magical on-screen guide took me to Japan where the Boston Red Sox were playing the Oakland Athletics.

Surely this must be preseason baseball.

Oh no, it wasn’t, and please don’t call me Shirley.

Yup, our National Pastime started playing games — THAT COUNT — in Japan on March 25. I understand we live in a globalized economy, but there is no need to export Major League Baseball to Japan. For a preseason game, fine, but this is embarrassing.

At least the Japanese play baseball. Who were the geniuses that decided the NFL needs to play a regular season game in London, England?

Anyway, the baseball season has started in the Far East and it looks as if the locals were ready to welcome MLB with open arms. Those open arms were holding appropriate signs like this:

Save us Jebus!!

Typically I avoid touting my religious beliefs to others , but I feel the need to counteract Boom's message of Easter hatred. I have no intention on going to hell due to anti-Easter sentiment spread via a web blog.

Stop the Resurrection!

Due to a dramatic turn of events, Easter has unfortunately been cancelled this year. But please, resume normal activities such as eating meat and masturbating as if everything had gone as planned.

Hot Girl Friday -- March 21, 2008

I trust most everyone, execpt Rusty, enjoy the first day of the NCAA Tournament. The games were pretty boring aside from the Belmont-Duke tilt.

In honor of college basketball being in the forefront of the minds and hearts of sports fans, I present Hot Girl Friday with a legend in college football stadiums and college football gyms throughout this great country. When ESPN comes to down, the college boys are hoping Ms. Erin Andrews will be prowling the sidelines.

Karate Monkey

Try and contains yourselves Z and Zach. As the video below shows, we are one step closer to an army of monkey ninjas. This guy has Karate Kid 5 written all over him.

One of the best days of the year?

Where does this one rank? Even for someone like myself who doesn't care for college basketball, it's right up there with the first Sunday in September.

By now, everyone has had three days to pour over brackets, read about which team is a bracket buster, overrated, underrated and the best team since John Wooden's UCLA teams of the 1960s and 70s.

The money has been placed and hope springs eternal. Around noon, the games start and suddenly, Siena men's basketball matters. Personally, I couldn't spot Michael Beasley if he ran into my condo on fire shouting, "I'm Michael Beasley, please stop me from being on fire." Yet, today, I care about his Kansas State team. (Note: He's the only college basketball player I can name... or that I can think of right now. My apologies to Mr. Beasley and his family if he was offended by his reference.)

Maybe I'm having these romantic feelings for the NCAA tournament because today, for the first time in three years, my Thursday of watching the tournament is not interrupted by having to spend the afternoon and evening at the Schottenstein Center watching lay ups, jump shots, passes and more lay ups.

Today, I'm proud to be an American who can afford to ditch work, spend the afternoon drinking beer and watching basketball on numerous high-definition TV screens at a sports bar named after a former Heisman Trophy winner. For those of you able to join me, welcome. Those of you who have to remain at work, I feel your pain. I've been there. You will be with me in spirit.

For me, it's time to call a time out from real life and enjoy basketball. Chris, you may do the honors.

Night of the Living Blogger

So I have noticed lately that the patronage of the blog has all but disappeared. What once was distraction from my Internet porn addiction has become nothing more than a daily dose of disappointment. Like many of you, I have taken to logging on daily with hopes of reading an interesting commentary on someones misfortunes, a blurb about current events, or even some bullshit sports story, which I usually don't understand, but for some reason still enjoy. But now that some of us have moved on to other endeavors, I am forced to sit here, my finger on the mouse button, hoping that the next time I hit the refresh button, something new might appear on the blog.
All this being said, I have thought of a list of things that I feel may inspire some of you to bring life back into a blog that has died and been buried by a lack of love from its participants and yes, even its creator. Truth be told, I am currently developing the list in my head as I type, but I foresee this as being a lot of things that are true, controversial , and mostly aimed at pissing someone off. Either that or it will be a bunch of shit that I can throw together in the next 5 minutes before my wife gets home.

Here we go.

1. The Humanzee really isn't half man half monkey. Its just a fucked up looking ape.
2. Cleveland (and by association Akron) really is a piece of shit city that should be isolated from the rest of the world until all of the blacks kill each other off.
3. Barack Obama, while very charismatic, is really just full of shit. Much like the other two candidates we have to choose from, he sucks.
4. Despite what many of you like to think about yourselves, deep down inside you are all white supremacists.
5. I masturbate to teletubies.
6. Jim Tressel isn't a God, or even a saint for that matter. And last time I checked, worshipping Ohio State doesn't make a person religious.
7. On that same line of thinking, people who worship Ohio State and give no acknowledgment to the college they actually went to, suck.
8. The fact that I can't smoke in bars is fucking retarded. Its a fucking BAR!!! Pretty soon you won't be able to drink there.
9. I hate those stupid looking spiral light bulbs. Yeah, I get it, they save energy. Yippee. Even worse is the fact that the government is making the original light bulb illegal. The first time I see a cartoon character get an idea with one of those "environmentally friendly" lightbulbs over his head, I am going to throw my t.v. in the street.
10. The only day I "go green" is on Saint Patrick's Day. The media really needs to stop shoving that shit down my throat. We all get that going green is supposed to be cool. I don't need a fucking t-shirt and a hemp wristband to prove my commitment to the environment.
11. Wal-Mart is a hell hole. I hate it and everything it represents. If we wanted every person form Barberton to come to Wadsworth, we could have just turned the library into a porno store.
12. Florida is America's wang.
13. And finally I would like to say that after all theses years I still don't understand how Dutt masturbates with Petroleum Jelly. It just doesn't make sense. I hate to pick on you Dutt, but as you have said many times yourself...you are an enigma wrapped in a puzzle, which makes you ripe for the picking.

I hate all of you. I truly do. You are all miserable bastards with small penises.

NCAA Tournament Time

Let me return everyone to the regularly scheduled blog.

Well, Selection Sunday occurred and everyone has had a solid five hours to piss away at work looking at the brackets and developing strategy to dwindle the field from 64 to 1.

Is this the year each pick is perfect? Will you nail the correct No. 7 vs. No. 10 upset? The patented No. 5 vs. No. 12 upset?

Thanks to my fine friend to the right, I do believe UCLA will win it all this year. That’s the best I got. Anyway, from now until the brackets are due at noon on Thursday, I figured we could get a small discussion going on this thing.

And for anyone who is in the greater Columbus area, would they be interested in heading to the bars at noon to watch the games?

Turmoil on the blog

This is awesome.....this is what was supposed to happen with the blog, but apparently it only came to a head when the "thought" of a girl posting came up. It was supposed to be all of us cutting on each other and posting fun drunken messages and if I didn't think Molly could handle it I certainly think she would have dumped John already. Is it really that bad to have a girl posting.....for a big strong guy without sleeves I think you are acting a tad childish

Kirby Smalls is a Pussy

Hi all,

I'm not really sure who "Kirby Smalls" is, and this isn't a "knock on" him per se, but I think he's a pussy...oh, well, I guess this is a knock on him. What I can say about him is that clearly we've never met, or he might understand that I could give two shits about Hot Girl Friday or that you all watch four minutes, five minutes, or hell an hour of chicks making out with each other. (Although, Z thanks for the apology. It was nice but wholly unnecessary).

That being said, I am removing myself from this fabulous, highly evolved blog...I would certainly hate for my participation to deter Kirby "Smalls" from continuing to enjoy Hot Girl Friday or to post gay songs about the glory days of his beloved sports teams.

Just as an FYI and so the rest of you don't bitch at the host for inviting me in the first place, I asked to be invited to relay a fairly hilarious conversation I had with my fiancee because I'm sick to death of hearing the rest of you talk about how he should contribute.

So, I bid you all adieu...go back to waving your "No Girls Allowed" flags wildly...just make sure they're rainbow colored. Oh, and feel free to give Hegarty shit for my post, he's used to the "girl he has" having her own opinions and sharing them freely.

Adios, Queers.

My Last Post Ever

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMBxLxqvEgo


I'll leave you with a Browns song by a dude a high school friend of mine went to college with. Since significant others are now a part of this blog, I no longer will be. That is not a knock on the girls you all have, I think this blog has "jumped the shark." I know I will not be missed but I will miss checking this blog a few times a day.

Happy Posting.

Sorry Molly.....

I would like to apologize to you for the recent posts. As generally up standing citizens I don't want you to think we are running an underground sex blog. However, hot girl friday has become a staple of the blog since inception and we have to stick by our guns, even if it is offensive new customers....a drug store does not stop selling deodorant because some customers are Indian. You are more than welcome to post whatever you like, except kiddie porn....I'll be honest, that really creeps us out and I have had to reprimand Kirby Smalls twice already about inappropriate kiddie porn posts. All kidding aside welcome to the blog and please get your lesser half to post once in a while.

Making up for the lack of Hot Girl Friday......

4 minutes of girls making out......

Making up for the lack of Hot Girl Friday

5 Minutes of girls making out.......

This just gives me goose bumps.....

Can it be football season already!!!!???!!?!?!?! This shit fires me up



http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/columns/story?columnist=yasinskas_pat&id=3281232

TV Re-Runs on the Web

www.hulu.com

I saw this site being pimped in a USA today quick column. I know nothing about the site except it shows a bunch a re-runs. I plan to catch up on all the past Office episodes.

Enjoy.

Wait... so you DON'T like Tennessee?

I got nothin', just enjoy.

ROAD TRIP!!!!!!!!

I would like to cordially invite all of you to the Jack Johnson show on June 13, 2008 in Indianapolis, IN. This is a Friday night, and the show starts at 7pm. We should be able to skip out of work a tad early and catch the entire show. There is also a show at Blossom (Cleveland). The drive would be a little bit shorter, but it is on a Tuesday which causes a problem for grown ups. Anyway, we could figure out if we wanted to stay the night or drive back after the show, but either way I am fired up about this

06-13-08 - Verizon Wireless Music Center (Indy), Noblesville, IN
Doors Open: 5:00 pm / Show Time: 7:00 pm
Venue Address: 12880 E. 146th St.
Capacity: 24330
Seating: General Admission
Age: All Ages
Supporting Act(s): Mason Jennings
Money Mark



Ticketing Outlet: Music Today Pre-Sale
3/5/2008 10:00 AM CST
Ticketing Outlet: Ticketmaster
3/7/2008 10:00 AM CST
Tickets: $35.00 - $49.50
Notes:Music Today pre-sales password: "allatonce"
A limited number of tickets will be available with no service charge at venue box office for the March 7th first day of public on sale ONLY.

In Savage To Trust

I know where most of you stand in the DA vs. Brady Quinn debate. I understand the issue, but for all the dislike you have toward DA, would you really want him quarterbacking the Balitmore Ravens?

Check this out. We all know, the Browns tenured DA to the one-year deal after first offer was turned down. Then, that Friday night, Browns GM Phil Savage upped the team's offer to DA, which included a raise in guaranteed money

Hours later, DA signed the three-year deal. Why did the Browns offer DA more money after something was already out there?

According to a segment of Savage's press conference, Savage said that there were rumors and situations mentioned that would make DA a chip in allowing a team to move into the top 10 of the draft. Savage said he didn't want to sit on the street corner while some team used DA in this way and allowed another team to move into the draft's top 10.

OK, fine, Savage didn't give specifics then.

Well, today on WKNR 850 out of Cleveland, mid-morning host Tony Rizzo reported what that deal was...

The Dallas Cowboys would give the Browns their first pick in the first and third rounds (28th pick in each round) for DA. Now as a member of the Cowboys, they would have traded him to the Baltimore Ravens for the Ravens' 8th overall pick in the first round.

Cowboys would have gotten to pick at No. 8.

Ravens would have gotten a quarterback (even though some of you debate the relevance of that)

The Browns would have gotten a late-round pick in the first and third rounds which would have resulted in, well, a low-impact player.

Sorry, but Savage did the right thing.

Bottom line it's OK to start feeling good about the Browns front office. We have the right GM in place and an owner who is finally making the right decisions. Check out this piece on owner Randy Lerner.

Click here.

Good-bye Old Friend

As some of you know, Mr. boom ornery's 1997 Toyota Camry has finally retired to that great junkyard in the sky last Sunday. I would like to take a moment to eulogize his car. Unfortunately, Mr. ornery's is too broken up to do so himself.

A photo of the car in its glory days has accompanied the following words. (Actually, it’s the car’s cousin, but close enough.) I was hoping to provide the best-looking photograph of a car that has long since passed its glory days.

Although the car had hundreds of thousand miles logged and featured a cracked windshield, it served Mr. ornery well. In fact, it served all of us well. In its final weekend, it decided to travel three and a half hours one way to Pennsylvania for a final skiing trip before its death. John Hegarty and his sore thighs are forever grateful.

For years, the Camry allowed Mr. ornery to issue a low monthly payment and in the most recent of years, no monthly payment. That freed Mr. ornery to use the extra money on ass-hugging slacks from Banana Republic, travel money to visit friends in Houston and to enjoy, but not necessarily master, expensive hobbies such as skiing and golfing.

For everything the Camry lacked in aesthetic beauty, it made up for in allowing Mr. ornery to look good, feel good and perform good. The ladies of Central Ohio are ever so thankful.

So, the next time a pint is poured at your favorite local drinking establishment, raise it to the sky in honor of the Toyota Camry. May it rest in peace. We look forward to another 300,000 miles in a 2007 version.

High 60s one day, snow... SNOW!... the next.

Warning: NSFJ!
(Not Suitable For Jeanette)

Ah, Ohio weather. Isn't it fucking great? On Monday afternoon, I'm at a driving range in shorts, getting the swing worked out for the coming season. The past five months, the sticks have been stored away, staring longingly at me every time I enter my garage, wondering when we're going to get together again. Finally, on Monday we were able to reunite and we had a grand time. The "ting" from my new driver was a wonderful sound as was the flight path (a slight draw, thank you).

Yet two days later I wake up to SNOW everywhere and below freezing temperatures. This is getting old and you know what, we got at least another month to a month and a half of this shit. Wonderful. For as great as the state of Ohio is north of I-70, winter beats me down.

Who the hell would want to move here from a warm weather climate of say, Houston? I don't get it.

Needless to say, I'm sick of winter and ready for warm weather and golf. Golf, you say? Since we've been slacking on Hot Girl Friday, I figured I'd do a little mid-week posting.

To keep the golf theme, I present to you my newest golf buddies. Their names? Like it matters!

Interesting article for those of us obsessed with Lost

As if smoke monsters and tropical polar bears weren’t enough to keep our heads spinning, Thursday’s episode of Lost, “The Constant,” opened up a whole new can of worms: the fourth dimension.

Flying from the island toward a mysterious freighter, pilot Frank Lapidus can’t keep his helicopter on the bearing that physicist Daniel Faraday says will get Desmond and Sayid to the freighter safely—presumably through a wormhole. They encounter some turbulence, and Desmond begins, yes, traveling through time, with increasingly rapid lapses between 1996 and the present (which, on the show, is still 2004). With new particle physics research recently taking time travel from Doc Brown fantasy to down-the-line possibility, we spoke with Dr. Michio Kaku, whose new book, “Physics of the Impossible,” makes Lost’s flip-flop between past and present look, well, not impossible.

Unlike deadly black holes, traversable wormholes could make a condition such as Desmond’s feasible if the portals that skip time and space without an event horizon were ever discovered, Kaku says. When treating him remotely over Lost’s super satellite phone, Faraday asks Desmond if he had been exposed to any extreme doses of radiation or electromagnetic energy that could make him “a little confused.” And that’s where the show’s producers did their homework for the key plot twist when the helicopter sends Desmond’s conscience to become unstuck in time.

“To open the wormhole, you need large amounts of energy,” Kaku says. “In principle, if you could harness the energy of a star, you might be able to bend time into a pretzel, but we are talking about astronomical amounts of energy.” Maybe like a huge source of electromagnetic energy that needs to be discharged every 108 minutes to keep from ripping a giant, gaping hole in the time-space continuum? Like the one that Desmond got an extreme closeup with in the Season 2 finale?

Maybe. When Desmond warps back to visit Faraday at Oxford University in 1996, he watches Faraday zap a mouse with a dose of radiation, thereby sending her mind into the future. Upon her return a few minutes later, the lab rat can run a complex maze without hesitation; Faraday “unstuck” her in time. And there’s no law of physics preventing this kind of time travel—just a lack of know-how. Stephen Hawking tried to create a chronology projection conjecture forbidding time travel, but he failed. So while most physicists would say that time travel is possible, we’re not officially back to the future just yet.

“It would take a very advanced civilization to really do this,” Kaku says. “We are too primitive to harness this technology.” But it’s looking increasingly like some new island inhabitants might have just figured it out in time for some post-writers’ strike competition. —Erin Scottberg

http://www.popularmechanics.com/blogs/science_news/4253025.html

Super Tuesday (again)

I'm not going to go on a diatribe here about who to vote for in today's primary in Ohio and Texas, I simply wanted to remind everyone about today. If you do plan to go vote and you're still searching for some information on a certain candidate, feel free to call me. I can give you plenty of information on a candidate I think would be great for this country whose not a woman, or a 72-year-old man.

But, most importantly, I couldn't resist posting this screen shot from the Simpsons. I thought it tied in nicely with today's theme.

Savage is going to trade Brady and Horseballs for first day picks, here's why....

When he sits to talk, his foot taps. He'll rock back and forth. He'll grab something like a baseball cap and twist it.

"I've always been hyper," he said. "I have all this energy. Just being around football again really..."

Kosar paused, staring at the players on the arena floor.

"I wish I could still be quarterback for the Browns," he said. "I really miss it."


Here is the entire story from the Plain Dealer, I have been talking about a throw back Bernie jersey for a while, it HAS to happen this year
http://blog.cleveland.com/sports/2008/03/bernie_kosar_battered_and_scar.html

Cha-Ching!

"Hi! My name is Ben and I made $102,000,000 today. How much did you make today? Oh, only that much? That's cute. Ok, talk to you later, I'm off to motor bike the day away."

NIT Here We Come!

Some big news for the great Bowling Green State University.

First, its men's basketball team upset No. 24-ranked Kent Read, Kent Write, Kent State 89-83.

Second, according to the school's athletic Web site a Wapakoneta family donated $8 million for a new convocation center.

So long, Anderson Arena. Details here.

Where's the Beef....

Oh wait, here it is! Here's to stopping the run. Hopefully, we can keep him out of trouble at Christie's.