Severe case of the Mondays

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A monkey dressed like a human

Always funny!

Rules of the Fist Bump

1. If sports are involved, fist bumping is always acceptable.
2. If you are wearing a suit, you may only fist bump if you are drunk. Or if you have just wrapped part of your suit around your forehead.
3. You may not fist bump under any circumstances, in a hospital. Unless Rule #1 (or Rule #2) applies.
4. Do not fist bump someone else’s misfortune, even if it helps you. Just look down, furrow your brow, and nod sternly.
5. No fist bumping between the hours of 7am and 10am. And if you’re watching sports at this time, it’s probably soccer or NASCAR, and then you should really not be fist bumping. High fives will suffice for both.
6. Do not fist bump in a meeting. Even if you are drunk.
7. Do not fist bump your children. Unless you’re drunk, then it’s OK.
8. Girls can fist bump anytime they want. And yes, guys think it’s cute.
9. Do not refuse a fist bump. If you, as a bumpee, believe the bumper is violating a rule, speak to him afterwards. Refusing his bump is not going to help anything.
10. Do not fist bump yourself.

Little Does He Know.....

It's seems that posting has been slowing down, so here's some new material...

Little does this poor sap know, but he's in for a long night without getting any.

Is This Why Z Wants a Pet Monkey???

Is Z interested in getting a pet monkey so it can teach him to do this?

Something New To Try.......

The next time you are on vacation at the beach maybe for your honeymoon give this a try. Or hell, even give it a whirl at the pool this summer.

Lucky bastard.

So Carpenter's kid DOES like sports!

And it's hockey?!?! Hockey Mom's magazine held a contest for the best mullet and Carpenter's kid finished first. Luckily, for us, there is a picture!

How To: Keep Your Bitches In Line

Gather 'round kids, story time!

"The Audit"

The IRS decides to audit Ed, and summons him to the IRS Office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ed shows Up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant Lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain By saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS Finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ed. "How About a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ed says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite My own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ed removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw Drops.

Ed says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I Can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ed isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ed removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost Three grand, with Ed's attorney as a witness. He starts To get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ed asks. "I'll bet you Six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your Desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, And never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks Carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage That stunt, so he agrees again.

Ed stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although He strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the Wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all Over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just Turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ed's attorney Moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ed Told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty Thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all Over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Steely McBeam was McLoaded

You know, ever since the Steelers released this mascot, I have enjoyed him so. He looks like the forgotten member of the Village People with a face that is eerily reminiscent of the Steelers' former coach, Bill Cowher.

Now, it appears, Mr. McBean enjoys one too many cocktails before he gets behind the wheel of a car. He was busted for a DUI.

Poor, Steely.

More fun with "little people"

OK, so I'm being politically correct here. Basically, I mean "midget." Often I find midgets, err, little people, funny. Not trying to be mean in any way, it just makes me chuckle.

This is Jyoti Amge, 14, from Indian who stands at 11in (58cm) tall and is the smallest girl in the world.

There's really not much else to say, just enjoy the pictures.

Finally the Zchild has come back to Columbus

With my arrival being days away, I am really excited and wanted to get some advice from everyone. Just as a sign of good faith I would like to get Zach a present, how do you think this would look in his yard......

4th round fun

I have a read a couple of mock drafts and some have the Browns taking Slaton in the fourth. I think we most certainly need help other places, but if he is the best available player you might go with that strategery (lockbox).

This would be fun........thoughts?

Q: Ten of my friends and I officially started and are taking part in the "Man of the Year Competition," where each participant selects a random, shenanigan-filled contest in which we all compete. Examples of events we have planned: retaking the SATs, a chili cook-off, parallel parking contest, and a paintball pistol duel at dawn. (We took the SATs last week and all feel confident that we are smarter than we were in high school.) As awesome as this is, we have a problem. We can't decide what the 10th event should be, which is required to take place in Las Vegas. What would you suggest? Please keep in mind that the purpose of the Man of the Year Competition is to promote three ideals: shenanigans, self-improvement and debauchery (though not necessarily all of them at the same time).
-- Daniel, San Francisco

SG: All right, I put some serious thought into this and tried to abide by the three categories (shenanigans, self-improvement and debauchery). I also stuck to a $1,500 budget for the weekend (not including airfare and hotel); since it's the final event and all, that seems like a fair price even if it's a little steep. Anyway, for the 10th event, if you're going all out ...


You have to show up in Vegas on a Thursday night, get a good night's sleep, enter one of those Friday morning poker tournaments (they have them at every big casino) and award 10 points to the guy who lasted the longest, with nine points for the second longest, eight for third and so on. Then, you get some lunch and play Credit Card Roulette for the tab -- the guy who loses pays for dinner, but he gets three bonus points for sympathy purposes. Then, you go to the sports book and lay down $200 worth of sports bets apiece on that night's games -- the guy who makes the most money gets 10 points (same scoring system). Then, you go to a craps table at 2:30 in the afternoon, start out with $200 apiece and play craps until your 7:30 dinner reservation -- the guy who makes the most money in that five hours gets 10 points. Then, you have dinner and play Credit Card Roulette again -- the guy who loses pays for dinner but gets six bonus points. Then, your goal for the rest of the night is to try to tag along with a bachelorette party without paying for their entire bar tab -- the guy who pulls this off gets 10 bonus points, anyone who makes out with a member of the bachelorette party gets 10 points and if someone makes out with the bride-to-be, that's an extra 25 bonus points.

On Saturday, you have to be up by 10 a.m. for breakfast -- anyone who doesn't show up gets deducted 10 points for being weak. You play Credit Card Roulette for the breakfast tab (three bonus points for the loser), head over to the sports book for another $200 worth of sports bets (same scoring system), then head over to the Wynn's European pool for a day of outdoor blackjack. (Note: if you're not staying at the Wynn, then the guy who was smart enough to remember to bring his old Wynn room key from a previous stay so you could get past the security guards gets five bonus points.) From 11 a.m. to 7:30 p.m., you have to play blackjack outdoors with no more than $500 in chips and order and finish at least 10 drinks total. Anyone who remains coherent by 7:30 p.m. gets three bonus points. Guy with the highest money total gets 10 points, second-highest guy nine points and so on. ... And anyone who gets a camera phone photo of themselves with a topless sunbather gets three bonus points per photo. From there, another dinner and more Credit Card Roulette (seven bonus points for the loser), then go out that night without showering.

Now, I'm going to leave the next stage up for grabs --- it really depends on the group and the marital statuses of the guys involved -- but however it plays out, hand out the points accordingly. On Sunday, you have another 10 a.m. breakfast and more Credit Card Roulette (same rules as above), followed by a round of golf in the scathing-hot Vegas sun for the final event -- this is an endurance contest, a little like the final event in the Gauntlet, only if everyone was horribly hung over. Everyone gets a handicap and the best score above the handicap wins 20 bonus points (18 for second, and so on), followed by another 10 bonus points for everyone who played all 18 holes without either throwing up, quitting or passing out on the course. Then, you add up the scores, figure out the winner and that's that ... he's the Man of the Year.

CHARGE!!!

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What a jackass....

Hello and welcome to Tee-pee Talk!

Ah, Harry Doyle... one of the greats. Well, conjure up your favorite "Major League" sound bite because today is Opening Day 2008! Soon, I will be making a trip to Progressive Field to root on the Cleveland Indians.

Baseball is boring. I'm not going to doubt that. Yet, Opening Day is exciting for a few reasons. It signals the end of winter. The weather may still be somewhat shitty out, but since there is baseball being played in downtown Cleveland, we know that shitty weather is soon to be long gone.

Panini's. Great sandwich and damn, does it go good with a beer and surrounded by 40,000 Tribe fans.

Excuse to drink beer on a Monday afternoon. Why not?

Slider. What the hell is that thing? Will this be the year we figure it out?

One win away from the World Series and for all intents and purposes, the Indians' first championship since 1948. Yeah, I'm still bitter from that damn loss, but today marks the first day I can begin to get over that and set myself up for some sort of disappointment in 2008.

Ahh, weekend. Welcome!

In less than two hours, I'll be headed north to Cleveland, Ohio to spend an extended weekend. Contrary to what some people will have you believe -- RUSTY -- I enjoy spending time in Cleveland.

The weekend culminates with a trip to Progressive Field on Monday for a rainy home opener for you beloved Cleveland Indians. (Remember when those fuckers were up 3-1 in the 2007 ALCS?)

Anyhow, I'm ready to start the celebratory weekend with a beer. Perhaps this kid will join me in a frothy brew?

Happy Nightmares

So someone went to the trouble of uncartooning Homer Simpson, just to see what he would look like in real life. Have fun trying to the have this in your thoughts while you sleep....

Hot Girl Friday -- March 28, 2008

In talking with Z today, we discussed how fucked our brackets are for the NCAA Men's Tournament (we're still doing pretty good with the ladies' tourney). Z went on for a good five minutes on why he picked Duke. It was well thought out and solid reasoning, but where did it get him? Duke lost in the second round.

Meanwhile, from the giddy-up I chose UCLA. Does this comes from my vast knowledge of college basketball? Fuck no. I hadn't watch five minutes of college basketball this season and only half-paid attention to highlights on SportsCenter. I'll take the NBA any day, but that's for another discussion.

Currently, UCLA is leading in the first half against Western Kentucky. If the Bruins can win, they are one win away from the Final Four and ever closer to my prediction of a national championship.

So how did I arrive at that pick? Was it an intelligent breakdown of their team against the NCAA field, ala Z? Nope. They have, hands down, the hottest cheerleaders in the hottest outfits, so they got my pick.

The Vagina Monoblog

Today while attempting to log on for my daily dose of Coming Up Milhouse the internet gods decided to throw me for a loop and redirect me to another blogspot webpage. This particular blog was entitled The B List and was apparently created by a vagina loving man hater who thought it necessary to create a blog dedicated to all things estrogen. While this was no pleasant experience, it has lead me to develop what I feel would be a great addition to our blog. Based on my ever growing cynicism and hatred of the human race, I would like all of us to find other blogs out there that are as disturbingly hilarious as The B List and exploit them for their shortcomings. To provide you Fodder for your hatred based criticisms, here is a picture from The B list that only Angela Formaz could love.