C.C. is long gone fellas. Thanks to the absurdity of MLB's financial situation, the rich keep getting richer and the middle to small market teams are glorified farm clubs.
http://blog.cleveland.com/sports/2008/01/cleveland_indians_sabathia_cou.html
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Fuck You Fellow Bloggers
I considered spending 15 minutes of my day crafting the perfect response to Don and Z's poetic and perverse depiction of my life as a chubby chasing sex addict who, judging by the picture provided, has very little shame and no problem with female facial hair.
Being short on time however, I have opted for the simpler solution of unleashing the Bonzai Buddy on this blog site. By the time you read this, your computer will have been subjected to a virus that makes HIV look like the common cold. Don't worry though, if you act fast this link just might save you.
www.pchell.com/support/bonzibuddy.shtml. (I wouldn't count on it though...that is one bad fucking monkey.)
Have a nice day.
Letting the cat out of the bag
Sorry, Carpenter, but this has to be done. You are a father. You have a lovely wife (a MILF if I may say so myself). A homeowner. A hardworker. You're living the American Dream.
I saw Z’s comment in the previous post regarding Saturday afternoons with your mistress behind the dumpsters at Buehlers. IT HAS TO STOP. Think about your offspring! Think about your wife! It's not worth it man!
Look, we're all men here. All of us understand what it's like to be in a serious relationship then head out into the public and encounter all these beautiful women you'll never see naked. It can be disheartening at times, no doubt.
We understand how this could happen. Wandering around Buehlers on a slow, Saturday afternoon. With the kid and other commitments at home, out of site out of mind, you start thinking about how it’s been a while since Little Carpenter was paid attention to. You come across this woman, a beautiful vision, near the meat counter. A conversation begins and one thing leads to another. Next thing you know, the two of you are behind those dumpsters going at it like alley rats.
It felt good at the time but the guilt is unbearable. Still, you return every Saturday for the same fast, furious three minutes of passion.
Yet all of us here at Coming Up Milhouse agree this needs to end. I’ve visited your mistress the other day at her home we had a long, heart-to-heart talk. She understands. Before I left her place, I snapped a picture for all of us to remember her by, especially you Carpenter. We all make mistakes, we won’t hold this against you. Down deep, you are a decent, loving and caring guy.
Anyway, for the final time, cast your gaze upon her:
I saw Z’s comment in the previous post regarding Saturday afternoons with your mistress behind the dumpsters at Buehlers. IT HAS TO STOP. Think about your offspring! Think about your wife! It's not worth it man!
Look, we're all men here. All of us understand what it's like to be in a serious relationship then head out into the public and encounter all these beautiful women you'll never see naked. It can be disheartening at times, no doubt.
We understand how this could happen. Wandering around Buehlers on a slow, Saturday afternoon. With the kid and other commitments at home, out of site out of mind, you start thinking about how it’s been a while since Little Carpenter was paid attention to. You come across this woman, a beautiful vision, near the meat counter. A conversation begins and one thing leads to another. Next thing you know, the two of you are behind those dumpsters going at it like alley rats.
It felt good at the time but the guilt is unbearable. Still, you return every Saturday for the same fast, furious three minutes of passion.
Yet all of us here at Coming Up Milhouse agree this needs to end. I’ve visited your mistress the other day at her home we had a long, heart-to-heart talk. She understands. Before I left her place, I snapped a picture for all of us to remember her by, especially you Carpenter. We all make mistakes, we won’t hold this against you. Down deep, you are a decent, loving and caring guy.
Anyway, for the final time, cast your gaze upon her:
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Questions/Concerns
First of all, hello to all involved in this wonderful "blog." This being my first entry into a "blog," I do have the following questions and concerns. I would appreciate any input from the panel, at which point I may feel more comfortable to participate.
1. Not being a fan of the Simpsons, what the fuck does it mean to be "Coming up Milhouse?" I would like to understand what I am signing up for.
2. There are some truly gifted writers currently participating, with that said I feel that this could be an educational experience. Given the aforementioned education, if/when I read/write on this blog during working hours would it be constituted as a legit "continuing education activity?"
3. Is there any possibility that we could garner the services of the "real life Peter Griffin" to endorse this site.....it could go a long way making this blog a pop culture phenomenon. The next Facebook anyone?
4. Can the members of this blog ever be held accountable for those actions taken on this blog?
Just some intial concerns, once I feel more comfortable with the parameters I think that I may be able to offer some positive contributions. Thank you for your help.
1. Not being a fan of the Simpsons, what the fuck does it mean to be "Coming up Milhouse?" I would like to understand what I am signing up for.
2. There are some truly gifted writers currently participating, with that said I feel that this could be an educational experience. Given the aforementioned education, if/when I read/write on this blog during working hours would it be constituted as a legit "continuing education activity?"
3. Is there any possibility that we could garner the services of the "real life Peter Griffin" to endorse this site.....it could go a long way making this blog a pop culture phenomenon. The next Facebook anyone?
4. Can the members of this blog ever be held accountable for those actions taken on this blog?
Just some intial concerns, once I feel more comfortable with the parameters I think that I may be able to offer some positive contributions. Thank you for your help.
Monday, January 28, 2008
For all you wanna be frat kids...
This is an oldie, but a goodie:
Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I'm coming home with some pussy tonight! That's right! It's been a long week at the office and it's time to blow off a little steam! I am a Junior Vice President! I have business cards that say "Junior Vice President" on them! They're glossy and magnificent! Here! Have one! Take it!
My boys are coming out with me tonight! They all have striped shirts too!
I figure we'll kick off the night with some Golden Tee! I am going to smack the shit out of that little white ball! It's going to be so fucking loud! I'll bet I can drive that pretend golf ball 600 fucking yards tonight! I'm that fucking pumped!
I can almost taste those Jager Bombs right now! I fucking love Red Bull! I put it on my God damned cereal! I'm crushing one right now!
I'm thinking about buying a boat this year!
I'm gonna fight someone tonight! I pray to God someone makes eye contact with me! I will beat his ass! And God help him if he gets any blood on my striped shirt! If he does, I'll scrub it out with his dick and some bleach! I mean it!
I'm gonna grind on girls asses tonight! You heard me! When I see a group of girls dancing in a circle, I will select the most attractive one and dry hump her until it hurts! I will rub my cock against her so that she can feel my throbbing hard on!
I will valet tonight!
I will treat the valet with contempt and make sure that he knows that I am superior to him in life! I will tell him to "Take it easy on the brakes, Champ"!
I will talk to people I don't know about my job tonight! They will all know that I am an important man! I will call female bartenders "Babe" and male bartenders "Chief"!
When I do not hook up with a girl at that club, I will say that the place is "full of skanks"! We will wait in a long line to go to another bar only to strike out again!
I will give up and decide to order a gyro off of a street vendor! I will make fun of him to my friends for being foreign! I will look ridiculous purchasing my gyro because people will be able to tell by my striped shirt and tinted sunglasses that I struck out and am settling for a gyro!
I will make one last attempt to hook up by trying to coax two big girls who are also ordering gyros to coming back to my place for "after hours"! When they say no I will make fun of them for being fat! I will leave!
When I get home I will go to the bathroom and hold the straight razor to my wrist again! I will gently drag the razor laterally against my vein, making sure not to actually cut myself!
I will then go to my room and pass out! I will need some shut eye so that I'll be ready to fucking party again tomorrow!
Scot Pollard and Stephen Jackson golfing
Yes, this video is just as good as that title. From Scot Pollard talking about "waking up and drinking a few beers" to Stephen Jackson golfing, it doesn't get any better.
http://www.indycornrows.com/story/2008/1/26/114424/561
http://www.indycornrows.com/story/2008/1/26/114424/561
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