Night of the Living Blogger

So I have noticed lately that the patronage of the blog has all but disappeared. What once was distraction from my Internet porn addiction has become nothing more than a daily dose of disappointment. Like many of you, I have taken to logging on daily with hopes of reading an interesting commentary on someones misfortunes, a blurb about current events, or even some bullshit sports story, which I usually don't understand, but for some reason still enjoy. But now that some of us have moved on to other endeavors, I am forced to sit here, my finger on the mouse button, hoping that the next time I hit the refresh button, something new might appear on the blog.
All this being said, I have thought of a list of things that I feel may inspire some of you to bring life back into a blog that has died and been buried by a lack of love from its participants and yes, even its creator. Truth be told, I am currently developing the list in my head as I type, but I foresee this as being a lot of things that are true, controversial , and mostly aimed at pissing someone off. Either that or it will be a bunch of shit that I can throw together in the next 5 minutes before my wife gets home.

Here we go.

1. The Humanzee really isn't half man half monkey. Its just a fucked up looking ape.
2. Cleveland (and by association Akron) really is a piece of shit city that should be isolated from the rest of the world until all of the blacks kill each other off.
3. Barack Obama, while very charismatic, is really just full of shit. Much like the other two candidates we have to choose from, he sucks.
4. Despite what many of you like to think about yourselves, deep down inside you are all white supremacists.
5. I masturbate to teletubies.
6. Jim Tressel isn't a God, or even a saint for that matter. And last time I checked, worshipping Ohio State doesn't make a person religious.
7. On that same line of thinking, people who worship Ohio State and give no acknowledgment to the college they actually went to, suck.
8. The fact that I can't smoke in bars is fucking retarded. Its a fucking BAR!!! Pretty soon you won't be able to drink there.
9. I hate those stupid looking spiral light bulbs. Yeah, I get it, they save energy. Yippee. Even worse is the fact that the government is making the original light bulb illegal. The first time I see a cartoon character get an idea with one of those "environmentally friendly" lightbulbs over his head, I am going to throw my t.v. in the street.
10. The only day I "go green" is on Saint Patrick's Day. The media really needs to stop shoving that shit down my throat. We all get that going green is supposed to be cool. I don't need a fucking t-shirt and a hemp wristband to prove my commitment to the environment.
11. Wal-Mart is a hell hole. I hate it and everything it represents. If we wanted every person form Barberton to come to Wadsworth, we could have just turned the library into a porno store.
12. Florida is America's wang.
13. And finally I would like to say that after all theses years I still don't understand how Dutt masturbates with Petroleum Jelly. It just doesn't make sense. I hate to pick on you Dutt, but as you have said many times yourself...you are an enigma wrapped in a puzzle, which makes you ripe for the picking.

I hate all of you. I truly do. You are all miserable bastards with small penises.